You represent Jesus even in the privacy of your marriage.
Bible Study Ideas and Commentary for 1 Peter 3:1-12
In this sometimes-misunderstood passage, Peter speaks into the culture that existed, where wives had no authority and few rights. The cultural tools of manipulation and bullying had no place in a Christian marriage but rather respect and honor. And that attitude of Jesus should characterize their relationships with everyone.
Finally, all of you be like-minded and sympathetic (3:8)
When We Studied This Passage in 2016
You might prefer some of my topics from that post to what I cover below:
But I really do try not to repeat myself, even if Lifeway has basically copied their lesson from 2016. In that post:
Families in modern media
A fashion magazine identity
Complementarian/egalitarian
First century fashion
What Peter is not saying
Is Peter a chauvinist?
What hinders prayers (I might copy this section below)
Getting Started: Things to Think About
The Challenges of Having a Non-Christian Friend
If we are a Christian, it seems that the older we get, the more likely our friends will also be Christian. There are lots of reasons for this, and that's not what this topic is about. If you do have non-Christian friends (and I hope you do), what makes it challenging to build a close relationship with them? How have you tried to work through it?
This is in the background of Peter's words this week and next. We had better not compromise our faith in Jesus, but we had better be loving and sympathetic with those outside the faith. If that can be hard with someone you consider a friend, how much harder with someone you don't even like!
Your Red-Carpet Moment
What's the occasion you think you looked your absolute best? How were you dressed/made up? How long did it take and how much money did you spend?
Then, if your group is comfortable with going deeper on topics like this... Did it change the way you thought about yourself? Did you feel like you were competing for attention with other well-dressed people at the event?
People have wrongly concluded that Peter tells us in this week's passage not to dress nice. That's not what he's saying at all! But he is saying that we should not find our value in our appearance and that we should not care more about our appearance than our character.
The Principle of a Healthy Marriage
Peter talks about husbands and wives this week. That might disconnect any group members you have who are not married, but pull them back in! This is information that any of us can use to help counsel our married friends. And, it also applies to more of life than we might realize.
So here's my proposed challenge: can you boil down "a heathy marriage" to one single principle? Not easy!
There are a lot of answers to this question. I'll give an answer that also summarizes this week's passage: "submission and honor". The Lifeway material isn't completely clear about this, but "submission and honor" applies to both the husband and the wife, though in slightly different ways. The wife voluntarily submits to the husband as the head of the household, as is God's design. The husband honors the wife by recognizing her equal worth in the eyes of God. But the wife also honors her husband through her conscientious submission. And the husband voluntarily submits to his wife by putting her needs and desires ahead of his own.
That Person You Have a Hard Time Respecting
If you don't like any of those ideas, here's one last one. Who is that person you have a hard time respecting, and why? We all have "that person" in our lives. The things that Peter is going to tell us to do this week will be a lot harder for people we don't respect.
Well, that's why in last week's passage Peter told us,
Honor everyone. Love the brothers and sisters. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
That word for "honor" can also mean "show proper respect to".
This would obviously be a huge problem in a marriage, and we can see how it would be equally challenging if a slave didn't respect his master or a resident didn't respect his governor. But Peter wants us to apply these principles to every relationship we have (which will become clearer as the letter progresses). So, how can you "honor" the person you know you don't have any respect for? Whatever your "trick" is for that, it might help a person in your group who is struggling to apply Peter's words to his or her life.
Where We Are in 1 Peter: From Slaves to Wives
Peter's transition from slaves to wives should be jarring to us today. But remember the culture/church Peter was writing to.
Wives were better off than slaves, but they didn't have many more rights.
Early Christian churches were disproportionately female and slave.
With that in mind, hopefully you can understand that Peter felt a strong need to encourage those two groups: slaves and women, and specifically slaves of non-Christian masters and wives of non-Christian husbands. Those could be terrible circumstances.
Before you say, "Well, at least we don't live in that world any longer!" realize that you would be wrong. Below, I share some statistics on domestic abuse. But here, let me share a story I just heard from a missionary to southeast Asia --
One of their Christian converts was a single woman in a Hindu home (both parents were devout Hindu). In that culture, a woman has minimal rights; she is under her father's authority until she is placed under her husband's authority. This woman was terrified that her father would marry her to a Hindu man who would force her to be Hindu. (Note: that situation would not cause her to lose her salvation; but I think the prospect of being forced to participate in Hindu ritual and morality was harrying.)
That circumstance exists all over the world, in Hindu culture, in Muslim culture, and in many tribal cultures -- all for the reason Peter talks about in our passage today: men are physically stronger than women and thus positionally stronger.
So, in this section of 1 Peter, Peter is giving a series of practical examples of how to live for Jesus in a hostile culture. What does this look like in the particularly difficult circumstances of
Under a government that rejects Christianity?
For slaves whose master is not Christian?
For husbands/wives/children whose family is not Christian?
I hope you see how incredibly practical and important these topics are, and how necessary it would be for Peter to address them.
I also want you to appreciate just our countercultural Peter's instructions are. Christian husbands and wives are not to act like the rest of the world. A Christian marriage should not look like the rest of the world. Christians -- whether husband and wife or just fellow church members -- should not treat each other as the world would but as Jesus would.
If we can get that ethic in our head, Peter's words will not be so hard to understand.
This Week's Big Idea: NOT Church Leadership
When we covered this passage eight years ago, I included a big section on men/women in church leadership roles. If you are interested in that subject, please refer to that post. And it is certainly important -- it will be a matter of debate at this year's Southern Baptist Convention! But that's not what Peter is talking about here. Peter is talking about the relationship between a husband and wife and nothing more. If someone in your group wants to get into the wider discussion of men and women, I strongly encourage you to squash it. Marital relationships are just as important as ecclesial leadership, and they directly affect far more of our group members.
Summary of the Big Idea:
My Big Idea chain is based on one mention Peter makes to a "weaker partner". My section might be overkill, but I believe that properly understanding what Peter meant by this phrase will help us better appreciate his larger argument. I'm going to give a lot of links below, so here's the TLDR.
Men on average are physically larger than women.
Physical strength is proportional to physical size.
Almost 1/3 of all women in the world have experienced domestic abuse.
You should not need any help understanding how that makes Peter's words so important. With that depressing chain established, here are some more details.
This Week's Big Idea: Men vs. Women -- Physical Strength
The statistics I'm going to share are averages. That means that there are exceptions. Don't miss the forest for the trees in this discussion.
The truism in strength statistics is that physical strength is directly proportional to physical size. In other words, a female would expect to be as strong as a male of similar size (and training/experience). And that roughly holds:
And men tend to be larger than women.
In the United States, men are about 9% taller and 16% heavier than women. That obviously means that men tend to be stronger than women.
(Note that women tend to exercise more than men and get greater benefit for their exercise than men -- Gender Differences in Exercise Habits and Quality of Life Reports: Assessing the Moderating Effects of Reasons for Exercise - PMC)
Aside: Deep Cut for My Data Nerds
There is recent research suggesting that males actually have a "denser" muscle mass than females, meaning that even in cases of equal size and training, a male would expect to be physically stronger than a female.
In conclusion, the results of the present investigation indicate that significant differences in strength and power relative to body mass, lean body mass, and muscle thickness exist between male and female strength and power athletes.
Female upper-body muscle strength is usually 50–60% of male upper-body strength. Female lower-body muscle strength is usually 60–70% of male lower-body strength. Female trunk strength is roughly 60% of male trunk strength. These sex differences in muscle strength are observed both in the general population and in competitive powerlifters. ... Men have more muscle mass than women in absolute terms and also as a proportion of total body mass.
End of Aside --------------
Time to have fun. In my household, when there is an uncooperative jar, my wife and daughter call out to me or my son for help. Same thing for a heavy box that needs to go out to the garage.
But if there is some sort of nasty cleaning to be done, my wife tends to make it look a lot easier than when I try to do it. And let's not get into the discussion of relative pain tolerance (*cough* childbirth).
How does "relative strength" play out in your household?
If this topic makes you uncomfortable because bullying or abuse happens in your household, then it's time to make everybody uncomfortable. Many people around the world live in a household where abuse takes place.
This Week's Upsetting Big Idea: Domestic Abuse Statistics
Let's just cut right to the chase:
Worldwide, almost one third (27%) of women aged 15-49 years who have been in a relationship report that they have been subjected to some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner. (March 2024)
This map is from 2010, but it's easy to follow:
Long story short: you will notice that women's security seems worse in countries that are majority-non-Christian and in countries that are lowest in economic scores. That is not a surprise. And that is the kind of culture Peter wrote his letter to!
But please do not think you can dismiss those numbers because "you live in America".
Here is the motherlode of statistics:
1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the US have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
That's not an improvement to be proud of (note: those numbers are also from 2010). (Also note: I'm restricting my numbers to partner abuse, not domestic abuse in general.)
My point: we live in a world that still seems to think and act like the world Peter wrote to. This is why, as off-putting as Peter's words may sound, they are still hugely important for us to understand. He is confronting a "way the world thinks".
Part 1: Instructions for Wives (1 Peter 3:1-6)
In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live 2 when they observe your pure, reverent lives. 3 Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, 4 but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also adorned themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation.
"In the same way" connects Peter's sections together:
people living under a non-Christian government,
slaves belonging to a non-Christian master,
wives married to a non-Christian husband (primary case).
In each case, one party has all of the power. How is the other supposed to live?
First, cut off the majority of debate about this passage by making one thing clear:
Peter is only talking about a wife submitting to her own husband.
There are no general statements about men and women here.
Also, remember everything we said last week about "submit vs. obey". And realize that Peter is referring to God's intended design for marriage. The husband is the "head" of the wife (just as Christ is the head of the church). That does not mean that the husband has all of the authority -- Christ has all of the authority. It does mean that the husband is to lead his family as Christ does the church -- an enormous responsibility. Here are two past lessons on this topic:
A wife will find herself in one of four circumstances:
Married to a "good Christian" husband -- the ideal scenario. That wife will have little issue with submitting to her own husband, or with dressing/behaving in such a way that brings conflict to the marriage.
Married to an "immature Christian" husband. When the wife is the mature Christian, she has the doubly-difficult job of trying to subtly disciple her husband even while she submits to him. The husband should take responsibility for his own spiritual growth.
Married to a "decent non-Christian" husband. This scenario would be the easiest in which to follow Peter's instructions; a decent man would be attentive to and observant of his wife's winsome behavior for Jesus.
Married to an awful, violent cretin -- the worst scenario. This situation is so painful that I'll talk about it at the bottom of this section.
[Aside about "Lifestyle Evangelism"
People have taken verse 1 to conclude, "See, you don't have to share the gospel with someone to win them to Jesus!" Well, those people haven't read the rest of chapter 3. Marriage is a unique relationship; you really do see your spouse at their best and worst. If there is any relationship in which "lifestyle evangelism" has a shot, it's marriage. But that's not what Peter is talking about! In Roman culture, the husbands made the decisions about family religion! It's that simple. Wives did not have a "legal say", and so their only opportunity to shift the family toward Christianity was without words.
Back to the post.]
Why does Peter then go after women's attire? It seems stereotypical. Remember that in that Roman culture, women had lesser access to education. The wives of powerful men were "eye candy" -- a pretty thing to make other men jealous, and perhaps to be used as tools of manipulation. So, they would dress to attract eyes, and perhaps they would dress to put men in a vulnerable position. But they were not given other opportunities to "better themselves".
And that was the "model" that women in Peter's churches had to work with.
Note that Peter was not saying that women could not dress nice and get their hair done. He was saying that they should first consider their beauty as something on the inside, not something on the outside.
Ladies, whether or not you conform to the world's (changing) measures of physical beauty should not change how you feel about yourself. Rather, you should be concerned with if you are the kind of person (on the inside) whom God finds beautiful.
[Aside on Microtrends. Remember the point I made recently about "microtrends" and how social media is hijacking young peoples' sense of image and fashion? Well, I would say that Peter's words are equally useful in that context.]
To a culture where women were essentially taught that their outward appearance was the main thing people cared about, Peter's words would have been shockingly countercultural. God does not look on the outward appearance -- He looks on the heart.
Peter gives two descriptors here:
pure and reverent lives
gentle and quiet (tranquil) spirit
Those words mean what you think they mean. How do they apply to wives today?
I know what some of you are thinking (or should be thinking): "I'm not very quiet." Peter means this: do you tend to stir things up or calm things down? Do you tend to dominate discussion or do you respect everybody's contributions?
Most importantly for this week's passage, how does a wife's quiet/tranquil behavior show respect or submission to her husband? And if you have trouble answering that question, ask how Jesus was quiet and tranquil; does your behavior reflect Jesus?
[Aside on "Sarah called Abraham lord"???
I think this section probably puts readers off as much as anything in here, so let's just get to it. First, the word "lord" can be just a term of respect. Second, remember that Peter is writing to a mostly illiterate culture. In such a culture, the stories and truths that resonate are the examples of people. Why does the Roman Catholic Church have so many saints? Because for centuries, that was their best teaching tool for Christian values. And that's all Peter is doing here -- telling his churches that wives who followed his instructions would be in good company, following the will of God.
The Lifeway material puts this well: "wives should pursue submission not because their husbands deserve it, but because it reflects the character of God to their husbands."
Anyone want to argue with that?]
Final Aside: When Marriage Turns Dangerous
In the first century, wives had very few rights. If a wife tried to flee her husband, she could be caught and forcibly returned (courts sided with husbands). So if a newly-Christian wife was married to an awful, abusive husband, there wasn't very much she could do.
Peter's words, while off-putting to a "morally enlightened" culture in which women have significantly more rights, were actually written from a sympathetic pastoral heart. I'm sure that Peter had observed far too many abused women in his churches, and there wasn't very much he would be able to do about it. When he called on these wives to act toward the conversion of their husbands, that was their one sure protection. Let the Holy Spirit change that wicked man from the inside.
And if that never happens, trust in God's judgment. (I am convinced that God has prepared a special place in hell for those who abuse women and children.) But that doesn't give much solace for the wife enduring the misery of domestic abuse.
Today, however, wives have more rights. Domestic abuse is a crime. Women have the right to initiate divorce proceedings. If a husband is abusive towards his wife, I believe that Peter would counsel that wife to leave her husband.
Jesus had strong things to say about violence, but so did God in the Old Testament. I think in particular about Malachi:
2:16 “If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,” says the Lord of Armies. (CSB) “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. (NIV) “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,” says the Lord of All. (NLV)
Peter might be thinking in terms of "separation" rather than "divorce", but I believe that he would counsel any wife (who had the means to do so) to leave an abusive husband.
Part 2: Instructions for Husbands (1 Peter 3:7)
7 Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Here's a common observation: "Peter sure wants to meddle more with the wives than the husbands!" No, just remember that women in that day didn't have a lot of good instruction to go on. It was countercultural for Peter to give the women so much attention!
But furthermore, the instruction for the husband was very simple: "In your culture, you are taught that you get your way in the home by bullying; that is not how Jesus wants you to 'get your way'. In fact, it's no longer about 'your way' at all but Jesus'."
That's pretty simple, and equally countercultural. (And note that Peter includes a strong warning to the husbands, but more on that below.)
"In the same way". The Lifeway material does backflips to explain that "in the same way" doesn't mean "in the same way", even though that's exactly what it meant in verse 1. I don't think it's necessary to be so afraid of that phrase.
Peter has talked about three unequal relationships:
resident to government
slave to master
wife to husband
The parallels between resident and slave and wife in terms of submission are obvious. But now, Peter addresses someone on the other side of the relationship -- husbands, who have all of the authority in the relationship (in cultural terms).
"In the same way" cannot refer to submission as of a lesser to a greater authority; Peter wants husbands to "own" their God-given authority in the home! But it can refer to the same kind of countercultural understanding of what that authority looks like. Husbands should not "claim" their authority but rather live as Jesus did:
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. 4 Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. 5 Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, 6 who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited.
Paul said that to all Christians in all relationships in Philippians 2; how much more should it apply to the marriage relationship.
Husbands are to consider the needs of their wives before their own. You can think of this as "submitting their desires to the desires of their wife".
"Weaker partner". People give Peter grief for this, but they misunderstand. In Peter's culture, and in many cultures today, women are weaker in strength, and therefore they are weaker in position.
Primarily, Peter is referring to physical weakness. Husbands got their way in the home through childish bullying. Christian husbands are not to behave that way.
But that physical weakness has led to other forms of positional weakness, namely in terms of education, training, and skill development. Men had been educated in ethics; women had not. Men had experience in diverse interpersonal relationships; women (generally) did not.
When it came to new Christians, positional advantages gave men a "leg up" over women. Husbands were not to condescend, act in frustration, or do anything that would put down their wife for, say, taking longer to apply Christian teachings to their lives, or anything of the sort.
Interesting Aside on Church Attendance
In recent years, that situation has often reversed. Wives might be better educated than their husbands, and they regularly have been more spiritually mature than their husbands. (This is related to the trend called "the feminization of the church".) That makes following Peter's instructions trickier.
However, I just read an article suggesting that for the first time in decades, a greater percentage of men than women were attending churches.
State of the Church: More men attending than women, volunteering rebounding | Baptist Press (March 13, 2025) (The full data is behind a paywall on the Barna site.)
There are lots of reasons for this, and not all of them are encouraging. (I'll leave that for another day; the article doesn't mention the most obvious reason for this shift.) And Peter's words are all the more important as sexual power dynamics continuously shift in our culture.
Back to the post.
Long and short is simple: women receive the same salvation that men do. That should fundamentally destroy any sexual prejudices. (Note that this applies to all prejudices, does it not?)
But that warning... Peter does not give a similar warning to the wives. That's because the husband's "headship" comes with greater responsibility and accountability. I'll talk more about this at the bottom.
Husbands, how are you doing with your responsibility?
Part 3: Instructions for Everyone (1 Peter 3:8-12)
8 Finally, all of you be like-minded and sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble, 9 not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For the one who wants to love life and to see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit, 11 and let him turn away from evil and do what is good. Let him seek peace and pursue it, 12 because the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do what is evil.
If your group includes non-married members, make sure to save lots of time for this very powerful passage.
This passage fleshes out instructions for husbands and wives, but in fact it's how we are supposed to treat everyone. For starters, can you see how these instructions help in the marriage relationship?
There is no secret meaning to these words, so write them on the board a talk about them. In the context of being the holy people of God and building a countercultural church in a wicked society, how do these qualities help?
like minded (implied: to Jesus)
sympathetic
love one another (brotherly love)
compassionate
humble (Roman culture despised humility)
returning blessings for curses (many cultures live by retaliation)
And more importantly, how do these qualities reflect Jesus?
These are the hallmarks of a healthy Christian marriage and a healthy Christian church. How are we doing, church?
I hope you're seeing Peter's repeated points:
not conforming to the world
showing Jesus to that world
In support, Peter quotes Psalm 34:12-16 (he apparently really liked Psalm 34). In that psalm, King David told the people that they can trust God to deliver them from their hardships, but they must give God the proper fear and respect. "Do you want to receive the Lord's deliverance? Then live according to the Lord's instructions." In short, live righteously and not wickedly.
David offered a grave warning -- "if you do not live righteously, then the Lord will not be attentive to your cries for help." This is obviously where Peter got his equally grave warning for husbands in the previous section.
Now, some clarification. We should all know that God "hears" and "sees" everything. If there is a word on your lips or a thought in your heart, God knows it. So, God is aware of every prayer, from the righteous and the wicked alike. God is also not bound to those prayers. Just because a righteous person prays something does not mean that God will do it; and just because a wicked person prays something does not mean that God will not do it. That would create ways to attempt to manipulate God.
Rather, prayer is a tool by which God brings us into alignment with His will. The wicked person does not want to be aligned with God's will, so God will not give that person the blessing of seeing how God is working in a situation. But the righteous person (and in a broader sense, I believe that God also responds to those who are seeking after Him) does want to live in God's will, and so God gives the blessing of that knowledge of how his or her prayer request fits into God's bigger plan. Then, even if the answer is "no", the righteous person still knows that God has been attentive to his prayer.
Closing Thoughts: What Hinders Prayers?
[I am indeed just going to copy this section from my previous post.]
In 1 John 5, we read that God always hears our prayers. But there are several places in Scripture where we read that our prayers, though heard, are hindered. All of them have to do with us; no one else can hinder our prayers.
James 4:3 says that when we pray with selfish motives, we will not get what we ask for.
Prov 28:9 says that when we ignore the Bible, our prayers are not heard.
In Mark 11:25, Jesus says that when we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us.
1 Pet 3:7 says that a husband who is inconsiderate of his wife will not have his prayers answered.
In Ps 66:18, the psalmist says that when we harbor sin in our hearts, God does not listen.
James 1:5-7 says that when we don’t believe God will answer us, God will indeed not answer us.
Take these seriously! List them for your group. Let husbands know that God takes their role extremely seriously. Does their prayer life feel dry? It’s possible that they need to take stock of themselves according to these 6 concerns. But make sure that the ladies know that they don’t get a free “prayer pass” just because they are wives (don’t let them play the “weaker vessel” card). God hears us when we pray, but He wants us to be responsible with the incredible gift He has given us in Jesus—a relationship with the living God.